Friday, 28 March 2014


It's been a long week, the children are getting pretty tired as the Easter term is looming, I have lots of deadlines coming up so it is all go.

The other morning I was slumped over my morning coffee trying to apply a bit of make-up to disguise the horrendous dark circles under my eyes and my eldest daughter banged the table. I rolled my eyes in disgust and continued to let the caffeine circulate.   

I looked over as she started to move whatever she had banged on the table;

8yo: "mummy was is this????"

To my horror my daughter had found a butt plug and had used the suction cup to stick it to the table......

Me: *laughs nervously*

8yo: what is this mummy, its weird, why does it need to stick to the table.......

Me *swipes offending sex toy off the table* It's a dog toy.......

8yo: *gives it to the dog*

Me: *face palm*

Friday, 21 March 2014

Choking, chocolate and change of clothes

Yesterday my darling little boy filled his mouth with too much chocolate, because when you are little you can get away with it, I've tried doing it recently but I got too many funny looks....anyway..... The poor little thing bit off more than he could chew and started choking whilst in the was terrifying, but he coughed it up and all was well.

I have to point out that this was at 3pm just about to pick up my girls from school and I was very relieved that he managed to cough up the chocolate but as soon as the clock turned to 3:10pm he threw up everything he'd eaten that day all over the dashboard, the gear stick, the handbrake and me.

I put on my best "remain calm and happy voice" whilst I did a three point turn changing gear with a gear stick that was now cold and slimy and manovering the car with the steering wheel that coated my hands with even more child vomit every time I turned it.

We dashed home. I stripped the poor lad so he was clean then tried to clean up the car as much as I could........the febreeze wasn't really cutting it as the car now smelt of bitter chocolate pizza...yum.

3:20pm and I'm racing into the playground unknowingly with my left leg splashed in brown vomit, after chatting to two teachers trying to remain un frazzled it wasn't until I got back to the car that I realised that I looke and probably smelt awful.

Anyway no harm done, mr Fred was fine, I was fine after a hot bath and the car is gradually smelling better.

The moral of the story is.......... there isn't one really but if you don't know what to do when your child is choking please watch this, my son was next to me in the front of the car whilst I was driving, it can happen anytime, even when under close supervision.

Friday, 14 March 2014

Where are my jeans????????

After a busy, tiring week I thought I'd share what happens when your favourite jeans go missing.....

Where are my jeans???!!!

They were there can you lose jeans??

*shouts downstairs* have you seen my jeans???

*empties entire wardrobe*

*speads clothes over bed*

Where are my jeans??!!!

Have you moved my jeans???

Why do you touch my stuff, don't touch my stuff, why would you touch my stuff??????

No I'm not being irrational 

What do you mean PMT???

The only tension here is going to be my hands round your throat


No I am not "on the change"

Have you or have you not moved my jeans????

Yes I've searched through the wardrobe

No they're not under the bed

I don't put my clothes away so I can't lose them it's a system so this doesn't happen!!

It is not a mess!!!!!

You're a mess!!

Ah ha!!! 

I knew it

I knew they weren't up here

Oh no they've been tumbled......

I'll never get my arse in those again

Who would tumble dry jeans?????

Well it wasn't me and obviously not you 



*does lunges around the house to fit in shrunken jeans*

*performs squats and zip closing acrobatics*

*gives up - wears other pants*

Have you seen my cardigan? 

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

World book day costume ideas

So it's that time of the year again.........

Yes that's right, the time of year that requires you to be innovative with a pair of tights and stuffing,

World book day

We got the letter of doom declaring the dressing up of the children as book characters, oh yes they are excited as they all read like book worms whilst I rock in the corner to try and figure out how to create a gruffalo.

I'm no Scrooge, dressing up is fun but this year I have 5 children to dress up for Thursday I have a few ideas:

Thing 1 and thing 2 (that's two with the same - winner) 
Where's Wally (stripes)
Hermione granger (my eldest did this last year)
Gruffalo (not thought this one through)
Very hungry caterpillar (green things are easy)
Cat in the hat (not sure where I would find the hat)

I have zero budget so it's going to have to be sourced from home 

What are your budget costume ideas for world book day?