Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Tannoy sex and heels

"Ooooooaaaaaahhhh Jeff!" Is what I heard whilst walking around my local morisons this week. 

I'm not sure if the lady attached to this obviously breathless voice, had accidentally hit the tannoy button whist riding Jeff around the managerial office or he'd just put his enormous pay packet on the desk, either way, I nearly walked into the potatoes wondering if Jeff had remembered his erm...jacket.

I've unfortunately slipped into buying a bit of shopping everyday because I've forgotten to do the online shop, so at some point during the day I decide what is for dinner and I go out and get it, dull, dull, dull. 

On Tuesday night I didn't get home until 7:30pm after leaving the office at 5pm thanks to a barrage of city fans clogging up the tram going to watch them lose against Barcelona. In fact I'm happy they lost because not one of them let me get on the tram, they all raced forward and pushed passed all the regular commuters to go watch their precious game. Did I mentioned that they lost? HA!

Yesterday was another busy day leaving the house at 7am and not getting home until 10pm and I did all that in heels, which for me is a big deal. I mean I like heels and I enjoy wearing them but I'll always choose a comfy shoe over them. I tend to eye them up and think how lovely they look, then I imagine myself walking like a newborn deer after my toes have gone numb, but I thought to myself that I should glam up a bit for the office as I'm an adult, so I put my trusty pumps to one side and swapped them for heeled ankle boots.

I have to admit, I had more of a strut in my step and it was nice trotting around, coffee in hand, hair in the wind etc but by 8pm at band I really wanted to be in my pumps and comfy clothes, although I quite enjoyed blowing my instrument in heels, it's not as naughty as it sounds....honest.

Next week, I will do an online shop.....I wonder if Jeff managed to empty his basket......

Thursday, 19 February 2015

Seducing a snood and being late for everything

I popped up out of bed on Monday morning like a jack in a box on speed. I was so organised that I could have had backing music as I gathered my car keys and walked out my front door.

And that's where it ended,

the wind blew torrential rain in my face and I wrestled with my brolly to the car, my satchel got caught in my brolly handle and I turned around and around like a dog chasing its tail, finally I closed the car door, peeled my hair out of my face and wiped my glasses on my jeans.

As I started my pilgrimage to the tram the wind picked up, It was freezing, the tram stop is unnaturally cold, as soon as you step on the ramp it is basically Antarctica, my knees begin to knock, my fingers turn blue and time goes that little bit slower waiting for the metallic snail to turn up.

But it didn't turn up, in fact nothing arrived for 50 minutes and in that time frostbite had set in and my patience had frozen with my face. I had a train to catch which I had missed and in fact I had spent the past five minutes wondering if I could get away with beating the tram driver with my brolly and claiming that I had quite unfortunately lost my mind from hyperthermia.

Fortunately I didn't act out my brolly vengeance but I'd missed my train so I used my train app to find the next departure, I can't read the departure board, I have the eyesight of a naked mole rat and I make the same face as the mole rat whilst squinting at the board, but as I looked to my left I saw a very red, wooly snood giving me the eye.

Oh yes he was pretty, very thick, looking nice and snug, and matched my top perfectly, but how much was he........oh on the sale are you? Ah ha.......yes.....well just let me touch you........oh my you are warm.....and soft........and only £ tease......but my train.....I have to want to come with me........well ok then.......

So I bought it and popped it over my head, it was glorious.

I was late for everything......... The trams were late all day, I was late for work, for uni and when I finished uni I was late for band rehearsal.

No big deal you're thinking........yeah no that in fact was the worst thing to be late for.

I arrived with my poor friends who had driven me because as discussed before I have the vision of a naked mole rat, it's always a bad sign when the band is already playing..........I was summoned to the stage in a manner that could only be described as a child being directed to the naughty step, there was pointing, the disappointed glare and my personal favourite parenting tactic, the tone of voice........

The stage is pretty high and I had to stand on a chair to get the leverage onto the stage, I have tiny legs and the balance of a drunken clown, it was touch and go whether I could make it up there, I'd already contemplated not going up but the second request to get on the stage was worst than the first and to be honest I'm not sure where the naughty step is in the bandroom......

Anyway it was ugly, not the conductor, but the atmosphere was, I mean how could the trams cause so much trouble, I paid £6.50 for the displeasure of travelling on them for the day, at least my snood was happy, that enjoyable piece of neck decoration is now my favourite thing to wear. Maybe being late isn't always such a bad thing but if it happens again next Monday.........that tram driver better be prepared for my umbrella!!!!! 

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

School run

Sometimes I look at the clock when it approaches 2:30pm and we have a little blackmailing game. I ask it to make time go slowly and let me enjoy another half hour of warmth and tea drinking and I promise it a new juicy double A Duracell battery. It looks back at me, gives me two fingers and I look up at it again and it's 3pm......great.

Before you run at me with pitchforks and placards declaring that I don't wanting to see my children or I'm a "selfish hag" I do actually like the company of my own spawn but I hate the school run.

For instance today, it's freezing and I stride down to the school in my woolliest clothes and my wellibobs from Joules, they are without the doubt the warmest footware to own, with their fleeced lining and watertightness that can only be comparable to a ducks bottom. 

Whilst trying to find the optimal position away from everyone else in the playground, I look up, and I hear the tinny sound of a mobile phone playing very crap rave music. I expect it to be some hooded yoof but to my surprise it's an adult, an adult that looks like they're off their tits on something provided by a friend's car boot. In fact, on second glance, this adult's face looks as vacant as a Blackpool B&B in Winter.

I get lots of different lectures at school , the recent one is about not providing enough spare clothes for my son, he....well....sharts a lot at school and finds it hard to do a number two anywhere but home so I take in stuff but sometimes I forget to re-stock, and I get the "talk" which always makes me feel like crap mother number one........but hang on........I get taken to one side for not providing enough equipment for shartageddon but, off-my-face-rave parent can stagger into the school and leave without even a passing glance.

Once I was pulled into school because my very smart eldest daughter figured out if she told the breakfast club teacher that her, too-lazy-to-do-anything-but-make-cups-of-tea-and-write mother, had not given her breakfast, she could in fact have endless free toast....every morning. This was highly embarrassing when the teacher pulled me to one side ready to have social services rescue my poor starving children, to find out that they all have breakfast every morning made by us, and when I asked the teacher if she was getting free food and she mumbled yes........I sort of did the maths and clever child was then found out, hats off to her though for using the old noodle, no one can resist hot toast though.

Anyway back to the freezing playground, one by one my chicks come to me all happy which I love and then we leave the school gates and suddenly the pavement is like the M60 at 8am, we crawl up the hill dodging the dog muck, undertaking the wobbly legged toddlers, walk through the fag smoking mums who are swatting their children with their other free hand, we walk even faster past the over-parenting mums who are vocalising their after school schedule of free play and "we already got you a video game and a comic yesterday you spoilt sausage *insert tittering shit laugh here*" finally it's the crossing where my son decides that is it and he won't hold my hand and lies on the floor like a bag of abandoned spuds.

I pick him up, hoisting him onto my hip with the flow of school traffic still pushing us onwards, if we slow down we are sure to be caught up in crap-rave-B&B adult's walk, which is a good mix between Captain Jack Sparrow and a zombie. Finally we're on our street, which is quiet and I let us in our house and I collapse on the sofa and swig the remaining drops of my tea, ready for tomorrow's round of school runs, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.


Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Catching chickens with boxing gloves

Parenting at the moment has been a bit like catching five chickens, blindfolded whilst wearing boxing gloves.

I mean, each one runs off in a different way, clucks differently, clucks louder than the others, one doesn't like the way one clucks and I'm running, with my too big Wellington boots on, like I'm wearing someone else's but still trying my best, slipping and sliding in the mud, my legs are now moving too fast, I'm leaning forward with mud splashing everywhere and then bam........I'm face down in the mud, with my skirt over my head, wondering how on earth I can bring a little bit of order to my chicks.

I'm at the beginning of my second week back at university, and I can admit that I hopelessly lost my heart to my course. I love being there, I love learning, I love my course, my friends, I even love the building - I know I've got it bad but I do feel a massive sense of guilt feeling like this.

Sometimes I come home with such a feeling of achievement and then I see the children, shaken and bewildered as their routine has been bulldozed by me not being around as much. Now it could be argued that my last sentence was a bit over exaggerated, after all they need to get used to me in a full time job next year, but I see their tired little faces, their grumpy pouts and I feel bad.

But then daddy goes to work and they certainly make up for any time I've missed and unfortunately it mostly involves me standing in the kitchen nursing a cup of tea as I try to rustle up the energy to try and catch the chicks. 

So the dance begins again, and afterwards  I slump into the armchair and wonder what on earth will tomorrow bring, a mixture over excitement over my work, my course and keeping the coup happy..........maybe I need a different method to round up my chicks, or I need to find my own Wellington boots. 

Thursday, 29 January 2015

snow day

Well we finally got some decent snow today, and I was more excited than the children to see the big flakes falling this morning. Amazingly the school was still open so hubs and I decided to go for a walk. By the time we got to out destination the school had text me to say they were now closed and we had to walk all the way back to collect the children. But we had fun in the snow and I managed to grab a few pictures.

Monday, 29 December 2014

Christmas cheer and bandsman of the year

We had a lovely Christmas and I'm quite sad it's over for another year. The children had a great time and loved their presents, but just before the big day I was awarded Bandsman of the year by my brass band. This is a great honour and I was so touched to receive it I shed a few tears whilst hiding behind my instrument. The band and the Musical Director have been so great, especially whilst I've not been at my best health wise.

It's been a tough year with my health and I'm not out of the woods yet but getting this huge lovely trophy really did make me feel that I could and still can cope. Sometimes it's a real effort to drag myself to do things when I really am feeling terrible, but my heart wants to still do everything I normally do.

I've caught every cough, cold and bug going this month as my immune system is really poor thanks to the amount of meds I'm on. I can't complain as they are trying to reduce the current rate of my sight loss. I'm not driving at the moment as my sight is not good enough but that's enough gloom, Christmas was fantastic and here are a few photos to show our Christmas cheer.

Friday, 19 December 2014

Sunday family Church service

We've not had the children christened yet so it's one of the goals for 2015 to have them baptised. Religion isn't deeply routed in our family, but I do like church, and the children's school is a Church of England school, so we decided to have the children baptised at the church that is partnered with the school.

After enquiring about a date for the christening we were invited to one of their Sunday family services and to be honest I wasn't too eager to go. I don't think I've ever been to a church service other than a funeral or wedding, but my husband knows the Reverend through being a governor at school, so we said yes and decided to go.

It's only a short walk away but the rain was horrendous! As we squelched through the doors we were soon given a warm welcome into the church, ushered in to sit around large tables as hot drinks and juice were served.

After a lovely welcome, crafts were on the agenda first and we made angels to hang in the church. Next up we told the nativity story with the children holding up pictures as the Reverend narrated. We sang a good few carols and it was really peaceful and very enjoyable. 

They served up a huge buffet of food, we ate and chatted until it was time to go home. We left with full tummies and full hearts, my eldest described how she felt really safe and calm there, a success I thought and not "over the top" religion, just the sharing of stories and a really informal service.

We'll be going again this Sunday and I really am looking forward to it.